The medicine goes down and my stomach turns hot. Within 30 seconds I start to worry. (why?)
In the bathroom the floor begins to shift and sway as my first purge leaves me.
Back at my bed, my breathing intensifies, my moans get louder, my grip on reality begins to loosen. I claw at my face, my shirt, rolling side to side. I twist and I grab at the fleece bedding. Too much, I think, please, stop. (why?)
Then, wait, no. Thank you, Mother. But that’s an afterthought. I’m scared, or I try to pretend I am. She’s not falling for it. I open my eyes and the room explodes into multiple versions of itself, each jumping out of the other like a kaleidoscopic Russian doll. The air around me cubes itself into innumerable fractals and my eyes roll back into my head.
My breath, deep and deliberate. The only thing grounding me.
Mother, please, enough. (why?)
A maelstrom of masculine energy begins to swirl around the men in the room. It’s black, dark, full of anger. The music intensifies - an orgy of funhouse meets deep house fills the air. She’s out of her mind, and it’s glorious.
My hands begin to feel sick. My toes, my legs, my arms. Within 3 seconds it moves to my stomach and I vomit into my bucket. It’s caught in my throat. I sit up, hacking, coughing. A low guttural growl takes 20 seconds, desperate to escape, suffocating me. Tears and saliva fall away as I heave again and again into the bucket. This is awful, I think. I vomit again.
Then, a revelation. No, it’s not awful. I’m okay. The vomit stops and I feel fine. A few seconds later I slip back into self-pity, and I vomit again. Stop it, get out of your ego. I’m choosing this. I hold that thought, and within seconds everything fades away. I sit and I smile and begin to laugh like a child.
How many of you play the victim without realizing? Or maybe you do. My thoughts directly affected my physical self in this (and every) situation, and it was beautiful to see. In this, I created my own self-hell, and then escaped it, with but a thought.
The world is falling away around us.
Okay, and? What are we going to do about it?
#ayahuasca