I don’t think I have a single friend who would fly out here to see me for my birthday. I definitely don’t have any who would throw me a party. Only one person asked me what I wanted for my birthday this year, and I had just met him. That makes me sad. A by-product of being told “you don’t matter” all my life by those I should have mattered to the most - I believed it until my 30s, and believed I never deserved anything more. I’ve gone through all the emotions - something is wrong with me, I can’t make friends who care about me like that, I’m unattractive or I’m not personable (I can understand this last point. I’ve never been very personable until the last few years once I started working through my trauma). Now I have the attitude that birthdays are just another day, and I find it silly when people make big deals about their birthdays or celebrate them for entire weeks or months. The ego, I don’t understand… What I wouldn’t give to have someone celebrate it with me for just one day. Hell, an afternoon.
Birthdays and receiving gifts are an alien concept, never receiving any myself growing up. Looking back now, however, it appears I’ve been granted many remarkable gifts along the way to manhood. Most of these were self-made or earned through pain and tears, but they’re gifts nonetheless. I’m healthy. I have incredible people in my life. I know what I’m about. I’ve become a great communicator. I know what I want for myself. In a partner. Sexually. I’m pursuing my passion. I converse with gods and goddesses. I visit other realms. Such gifts that, across my many incarnations on several different worlds, I’ve come to love this one the most.
I’m still looking for my tribe, and I’m confident I’ll find it soon. 35, this whole month actually, has already been rocking my world in the best ways, so I’m not complaining. As you get older you start to examine patterns in your life and why they occur, so I’m feeling very self-aware this morning. I’m very happy with the man I’ve become at this age, and who can honestly say that about themselves? I’ll take that over a silly present any day.
.
#birthday