I’m face down and I’m screaming.
My fists ball up, they clench and release, they grab onto the bed and tear, rip, desperate to destroy something that doesn’t deserve it. I’m punching the soft mattress, wishing it was the source of my pain. My legs thrash and my knees bend up toward my chest over and over.
My throat is caught, my airways are blocked and the rage is growing. The anger is unreal, I’ve never felt this before. I start crying through my screams, my body convulsing, my back arching and rounding as my muscles tense and collapse on themselves. My screams are throaty, guttural, aggressive. I’m sobbing, and the screams don’t stop. For minutes upon minutes I feel it all leave me little by little, each wail into the night carrying another demon away.
My rage is a long time coming. For months, we’ve all dealt internally with what’s happening. We talk about it with each other, sure, but few of us actually release any of it in healthy ways. The media, the lies, the election, the hypocrisy, the fucking “pandemic,” my interpersonal relationships. All of it has been taking a toll.
I’m a strong person. I pride myself on my resolute strength in the face of pain and adversity. Not a lot moves me or phases me irrationally. But god dammit I’m also an intensely, deeply emotional, sensitive, feeling person, and I feel other people’s thoughts and emotions in such a way I confuse them for my own most of the time.
I’m a healer. I’m at service to others with my work and my writing. I’m a shaman with my words. I believe in humanity, and I do believe a turn in the tide is coming soon. All of these old, archaic systems will fall that limit us and control us and we will show them we are not powerless against them.
Last night I raged for all of us. I could feel the collective building in my DNA, my coding rearranging to make room for you and your pain as well as mine. I took it on because I can. I’m strong enough to carry it. To carry you. I can move that energy in what small ways I can, so that maybe you can breathe a little easier.
Today I’m brighter, I’m lighter. And the world is beautiful again 💜
#ayahuasca